There's something really off in my brain. I spend so much time just thinking, you'd assume I had a game plan and all my dominoes in place. I don't. Sometimes I think about making a plan, but...I never go through with anything. Sigh.
I know I shouldn't be treating my blog like a journal, but I literally have no one to talk to. I spent several hours last night wallowing in self-pity because I was always too shy or too scared or too busy to do what I really wanted to do as a kid...and now as an adult, it feels like I'm lightyears behind everyone else.
I never took piano lessons. I never got a chance to play lacrosse. I never want to space camp or science camp. I never took up falconry. I stopped doing figure skating even though I had the talent for it. I gave up and I hate myself for it. What do I have to show for myself? Shitty grades in high school. I can play a little piano because I taught myself, but I can't even read sheet music.
Lately I've been overcome by a powerful urge to relive a stage in my childhood when I was obsessed with space. Planets, stars, black holes-it was all so fascinating and alien, and I couldn't get enough of it. If you had asked me then, I could have told you the distance from Earth to the moon and the average temperatures on every planet in our solar system. And now? I don't stand a chance at becoming an astronomer or an astronaut. I don't. I flunked math multiple times in high school. Although I loved science-physics, chem and bio, I didn't work hard enough for good grades.
I'm not stupid. I know that for a fact-but I know there's no proof of me being the opposite. I've failed myself. I've failed my friends...I've failed my family. I'm never going to contribute anything to society so I may as well not even try, right?
I should try to sleep now...
